Ride Lugged

with your host: ‘its hight time for tea time, sucka, Johnson’

we rode bikes with tig welds. we didnt know what lugs were. we drank heavily and some of us tried really hard to contract diseases. we admired bike messenger style. (they actually didnt have any). we passed out on floors, and drunkenly grilled meat. we stuffed london broil cuts with bacon, and then wrapped it in bacon. ect.

anyway, back in the day we didnt know what blogs were, cause they werent invented yet. also, i forget what i was gunna say here. anyway we had a short lived web site called the richard gear. which was clever at the time. here’s some photos from those heady days! also some short fiction by mel and starmer, i think.

now for a previously (for good reason i bet) unpublished short story by mel, who by all accounts is much more normal now.

After the wall was destroyed
by: Melissa Ballew

After the wall was destroyed my parents decided it was safe to move to Germany. It had always been their life long dream to become Voodoo missionaries in a European country. We lived on Slovnoff St. next to a band of neo-nazi’s. They smoked crack from corn cob pipes and rolled joints out of the obituary section from old newspapers. They detested Voodoo and tried to gas on Hilter’s birthday(what? -Ed.). I don’t remember much at this age cause I was just knee high to an oriental, about five years then. I wore hand me downs from a girl down the street who was 13. Her old overalls hung on me like a saddle and dragged heavily on the ground. Kids used to call me viener meaner schnodle, which in German meant Voodoo chil’ Voodoo chil’. They made fun of our Voodoo practices, like the time I got a bat kidney in my stocking for Christmas. All the torment I received from my peers made me develop into a very hateful person. Needless to say I was very lonely on my tenth birthday. By age 14 I got new friends. They were rebellious like me. On the weekends we’d skin sheep and wear their hides around to scare tourists. Our plan backfired when one of the tourists thought we were a group of gypsies. There was even a story in the paper about how we were a wandering village that lived in grass huts and stayed warm in the winter by shared body heat and wool. The tourists eventually got showers too.
James flicks off the camera as he cleans the gin soaked puke off some endangered alpine moss. Welcome back to the continent Starmer!

our old logo. we dont have a logo now. we arnt effective at branding these days.

anouther nugget from mel: (relevantly funny passages highlighted for Starmer’s convenience.

Obesity in Ethiopia

Everyone knows about the cabbage and bean guy that was on the news a year ago. If you don’t here’s a refresher. He was a middle-aged man who lived in a log cabin by himself consuming solely beans and cabbage. He died in his sleep one night due to the deadly amount of carbon dioxide he emitted into the air. I think the news people were lying frankly. My impression is that this guy wasn’t technically alone, he was at one of those “Fat Camps” where they make fat people jump hurdles and eat high fiber foods all day. His drastic change in diet caused his gas to be more frequent. And do you know what they did with his dead body? Buried it, what a waste. It seems sad when there are starving people in this. They could have used him to feed all the malnourished third world countries instead. Imagine a world without hunger. Instead of care packages falling from the sky, decomposing bodies will bring an end to starvation. Ethiopians will poop and pee again, birds will sing and Colin Powell will become president. So keep biking, it keeps the pounds off. You don’t want to become someone’s first meal. You may think that this sounds like cannibalism but if you were hungry and Rosie O’donnel fell from the heavens to your doorstep, you’d eat her too.

i have alot more, but i think this will take up enough space as it is, for now.