down with synthetic fibers!
_
so, i’ve been home workin on a project, and i am hear listening to seinfeld, and i heard this incredibly pertinent episode. er, pertinent to this blog. or rather, this particular blogger. it would of course be better, if they were wool jerseys.
Opening scene - A locker room at Yankee Stadium. George is helping Danny Tartabull with his swing.
GEORGE: O.K., Danny, take a swing. <Tartabull swings the bat.> N-No! No! No! You’re opening up your shoulder.
TARTABULL: Really?
GEORGE: No, not really. I’m just saying this to you because I like to hear myself talk. Yes, really!
TARTABULL (wiping sweat from his brow): Alright, alright.
GEORGE: What are all sweatin’ for?
TARTABULL: It’s hot in this uniform.
GEORGE: Hot? <Feels Tartabull’s material.> What is this?
TARTBULL: What is what?
GEORGE: This uniform, what’s it made from?
TARTBULL: I don’t know, cotton?
GEORGE: No. This is not cotton. Here, lemme see. <Tries to look at the tag on the uniform. Tartabull gets creeped out and resists.> Will you stop it? <Looks at the tag.> Oh. Of course. Polyester!
TARTABULL: So?
GEORGE: I can’t believe you’re not playing in cotton.
TARTABULL: Well, this is what they give us.
GEORGE: You know they used to make leisure suits out of this fabric?
TARTABULL: You really think cotton’s better?
GEORGE: Of course! Alright, maybe I’ll say something to Buck.
TARTABULL: Yeah, good idea. Catch ya later. <Leaves.>
——
GEORGE: Hey, did you know that the Yankees don’t wear cotton jerseys?
JERRY: Of course, they’re polyester.
GEORGE: Well, what is that? That’s a crime! Do you know how hot those things get? They should be wearing cotton.
JERRY: Why do they wear polyester?
GEORGE: I don’t know. That’s all gonna change.
JERRY: You’re going to do something about it?
GEORGE: Why shouldn’t I?
JERRY (doubtfully): No reason…
——
GEORGE: Hey, Buck. Talk to you for a second?
SHOWALTER: Sure, George.
GEORGE: How’s everything going? Everything O.K.?
SHOWALTER: Well, all of a sudden there’s a problem with Tartabull’s swing…
GEORGE: Listen, Buck, I uh…obviously I don’t need to talk to you about the importance of player morale, but uh…I’ve been talking to some of the guys, and some of them - I don’t want to mention any names - but some of them…they’re not too happy with the polyester uniforms.
SHOWALTER: How so?
GEORGE: Well, they get very hot in the polyester. You know, it’s not a natural fibre. I think they would prefer cotton.
SHOWALTER: Cotton, huh?
GEORGE: Yeah. Cotton breathes, you see, it’s much softer. Imagine playing games and your team is five degrees cooler than the other team. Don’t you think that would be an advantage? They’re cooler, they’re more comfortable…they’re happier - they’re gonna play better.
SHOWALTER: You may have something there, George.
GEORGE: Oh - I’ve got something.
SHOWALTER (considering): Hmm. Cotton uniforms.
—-
ANNOUNCER #1: And the Yankees take the field!
ANNOUNCER #2: Is it my imagination, or do the Yankees look a little different tonight? I can’t put my finger on it…
ANNOUNCER #1: Well, from what I understand, they’ve switched to cotton uniforms.
ANNOUNCER #2: They seem blousier, softer…
ANNOUNCER #1: Well, it is a natural fibre…
—–
GEORGE: The uniforms! Did you see how they played? Listen to these comments! (reads from the paper) “Wade Boggs: ‘What a fabric! Finally we can breathe.’ Luis Palonia: ‘Cotton is king.’ Paul O’Neill: ‘I never dreamed anything could be so soft and fluffy.’ ”
JERRY: Boy, they really do sound comfortable.
—-
the proof is in the script!
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Doesn’t everyone who reads this blog agree with you on some level anyway? When are you going to start your own religion? Are you the chosen one of your religion? Will your followers wear hats? What day of the week can they eat carrots? What if someone was to show up to one of your “meetings” wearing synthetic underwear? Does that count? Also, how did you get all that dialog? Do you google like “Baseball Jersey Episode”, Seinfeld or something?
I’m wearing a wool condom right now. It’s fabulous…small and fabulous
Ah, the Chaperone.
You left out the part where the Yankees uniforms shrink after their first washing nearly disabling the entire team.
left out? that was strategic elimination my friend. need to know basis and all.
clearly the readers of this blog know to preshrink all garmets before strenous activity. like bum mangler.
i dont really like carrots, and i found the script by going to the library and looking through the card catalogue.
yeah, my ass!
no your ass wasnt in the card catalogue. believe you me, i checked… twice.
i did however see someone who looked remarkably like you (with a mustache) in a czech smut mag i found in a dumpster behind the safeway. you were in a feature called: ‘um..bro? what’s that stain on your gym shorts?’.
i took it home, as the articles were in-depth and well founded.