Ride Lugged

ridiculous ramblings and rantulings:

My house is surrounded by shitty neighbors. It’s like being engulfed by people who are too dumb to really hate, but you hate them anyway. Across the street we have a family who have two very much adult sons who still live at home. Their principal occupation (the whole family) seems to be occasionally fishing and hunting. Nobody ever leaves on any sort of a schedule to go to work. They are the type of family that is so lazy that they installed an electric fence to corral their dogs: they were to lazy to walk them. They just open their doors, and out the dogs come; medium sized balls of black pubic hair, incessantly barking at anything and everything. There is no exception: they see Mel and I every single day, usually multiple times, and they still bark. These are the kinds of dogs that leave your chairs looking like Tom Sellec’s chest. The pubic balls posts themselves in opposite corners of the yard, and signal each other when an unsuspecting jogger or biker approaches. Then the barking frenzy ensues.

So I’m thinking about ways to blow them up. I think land mines would be the most comically effective. The neighbors themselves wouldn’t be at risk: they never actually set foot in their 1 acre plot of dying grass. I could place bets with myself over which mine would explode first. I thought about shooting them from my attic, but Mel won’t let me have a rifle in the house. I thought about tainted meat, a bow and arrow, a slingshot, a Molotov cocktail, a hit man, a Blackwell ‘employee’. I thought about putting fireworks in sausages.

Don’t think that I am alone in my hate: I think the previous inhabitants of our house shared my sentiment. When we moved in, they had three dogs, all black balls of crotch hair. One of these dogs had 3 legs. Landmine?

Tripod was actually the most annoying of the dogs, as he would chase after bikers at an incredible rate of speed, in the days before the electric fence. Thank god he died.

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These neighbors are smart: they have 3 cars, and a 2 car garage. Where do the cars live? Outside. What lives in the garage? A boat and a TV room for the boys, replete with a 12 inch TV screen and shitty lawn chairs. Correct me if I am wrong, but wouldn’t it be smarter to put the boat outside in the rain? Aren’t boat’s supposed to get wet? I don’t really begrudge the TV room, I too would set up one in the garage if my house was covered in a thick mat of black curly hair. (note: these people almost certainly have all off white and taupe colored furniture) They have a huge backyard deck, which they have used, by my count (and believe me, I keep close watch on these characters, as they are obviously deranged in numerous ways, as well as being gun owners) 0 times in the past year. Which really just reduces the deck to a large pressure treated tumor growing out of the back of the house.

One last note on these poor souls: the pond in the front yard. They have a blue gravel pond, which while ridiculous in itself, is made more so by the fact that is on a pretty severe slope, negating any illusion that it holds water.

Also: they like lawn sculptures.

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Our other neighbors can be examined in a more cursory fashion. First- they steal our raspberries. It would be one thing to come to the door and ask to pick some. No. They steal them, then! when confronted, avow that the bushes are shared property, which must be why we maintain them and mow around them, and they just steal them. American sharing.

Thankfully there is a dense set of bushes and trees between us and them, limiting our exposure to the bare minimum. Once, whilst sitting on my porch, we saw the father and son in the backyard. Hunting squirrels (why?) with a gun (illegal, we are in a friggin suburban neighborhood) in camo (again, why?) without shirts on (creepy). That pretty much says all you need to know about them: creepy, stupid, wannabe rednecks.

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Other neighbors include two drunks with a penchant for tie-dyed wall hangings and DUIs, and the diagonal neighbors who are outside so rarely that we couldn’t pick them out of a line up in a murder trial (which, undoubtedly we will have to do).

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