Ride Lugged

so we have reached that time of year. the time when the students go out into the world and make environmentally based installation art.

we start with a fine piece about “The chosen artwork the object being a yellow towel did not belong.” Enigmatic, sure. But “In my work was an outdoors scene was captured.” Ah yes. Do tell us more. “The towel is not a part of nature and does not belong the fall colored leaves make it less of a nuisance.” Right. Now i am getting it. “There is INTERPENETRATION in my work as the towel and tree are interlocked. ” OK now I truly understand. “My work in particular I had to physically put the towel in the tree. ” and hard, diligent rewarding work it was! Good job student o’ mine. Furthering the misery er i mean mystery, the student submitted the work upside down.

The next entry I read was about an altoona artist. We knew he was from altoona and painted scenes about altoona because the student mentioned altoona 16 times, perhaps 14 more times than it has ever been mentioned in print. To give you a taste: Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona. makes my eyes go funny.

choice quotes: “To the Mr. Goldsworthy and myself the power of nature, is endless cycle and unpredictability is a continuous driving force.”
“I created my art piece after a large amount of contemplation.” Read: I created my piece after drinking copious amounts of cheap rail drink, pitchers of margaritas, and a half a case of amstel light. Andy Goldsworthy is crying his eyes out as we speak.

nothing says super hero like a penn state brand blanket draped over and octogenarian’s shoulders. no, seriously, that was the premise of this art project. shoulda kept that one in the oven, student o’ mine.

.

.

the dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr was originally slated to take place at 1pm in myersville.  rob pre-drove the course with mark, and they deemed it too hard.  ok.  i can handle criticism.  or can i?  buahahahahaha.  here is my proposed compromise, complied from a dirt roads index that joe whitehair gave me, and a ride profile that he conjoured up.  this ride is longer, but not harder, and has more dirty dirt and chip roads.  you could singlespeed it, easy.  the ride profile shows no climbs over 300 feet.  considering the length, it is really really really flat.  that said, some people might say, oh its long.  but its flat! thats a compromise.  there will be no death march climb, no hills for a walkin’.  there are also numberous bail out points, and a longish section that you could cut out and sit around waiting for everyone else to complete.

my opinion though, is because its longer, we should A. all bring lights, definately.  front and back.  fresh batteries.  check them before you ride.

B. bring toe warmers, ect.  thick socks.  you know the drill.  a weather proof jacket.  ear warmers.  good gloves.

C. we should probally leave corys at 12 not 1.  that way, we’ll get back right when its getting dark.  mark, be there at 11.  you dont read this though.

if there is major issues with this plan, i can tie off the dingle at the mid-point in the ride that gives about 18 extra miles and more dirt road, as well as a view of the potomac river.  i would rather not, but i would really rather have everyone come on this ride.

routeslip thing here.  

click to make them bigger.

these are from the may 19th ramble.  they are 22×30 inches.  buy one.  it goes to a good cause.  namely the johnson needs a new camera cause. they are unframed, on archival 3 ply bristol board. that’s heavy enough to just pin up.  100 dollars because i like you.  180 framed in tasteful surroundings.

.

.

ok. so i have been warned off the trail. obviously this is the last time i ever have any one but me pre-drive a course. at least i know how to lie to myself, and con others into my web of denial. this is from a recent rob to johnson email:

So Mark and I drove the route tonight. I tend to agree with Mark when he says it’s kinda ambitious.
Mostly because of the lack of riding we’ve been doing…and the impending weather that’s predicted.
It starts with a death climb and then turns into beautiful rolling country. But there are several hairy
downhills into death climbs on the other side. To really give you a picture of what we saw…
There was:
-no cell phone coverage for 90 percent of the route
-Several pitbulls on a leash outside of a confederate flag touting homes/trailers…
-two junkyards
-thousands of neighbors trying to be junkyards
-rough pavement with lots of tar
-only about three miles of dirt
-about a mile of sketchy high speed no shoulder road
-random properties that seemed like a good place for a horror flick
-random properties that seemed like a great place to hole up and be cantankerous
-the potential for LOTS of walking up hills
-magnificent views out over valleys
-no stores or gas stations or anything that could sell you a moonpie or cupcake

I’m not saying it’s not possible…just that it would be a bitch for anyone not is great shape.
Also, with a sub 40 degree day with a 50 percent chance of rain and some snow showers…
it would be a completely treacherous road ride…you WOULD NOT want wet rim brakes!!!
DOOM!!!
seriously….some of those descents would produce injury. Especially if the road surface was wet/icy.
So there you have it. It took us over an hour to drive and we went pretty fast…I thought.
I can make you a list of things you should take…but I won’t be on that list.
I’m in no shape to do that kind of ride, nor do I have the clothing.
Mark doesn’t have the bike. So we’re out if you all are in.
Mark did have a great idea of doing a ride from the Shanty of Benson up Hamburg and perhaps include
some single track and lots of gravel roads and then come down, say, by the reservoir or something.
That way everyone could drink and not have to drive to/from a grueling bike ride.
So there you have it.
Oh, the directions were good though. Except for a couple of places. Which I fixed on my Queue sheet.
Call me.

a few things are obvious from this email: rob doesn’t ride with a loaded gun, he thinks brakes that work are a right not a priveledge, and is thinks he is fatter than i am. john wrote a semi similar email with words like ‘white knuckle decent’ and ‘walking’ repeatedly mentioned.

so i have to reconsider. obv we dont want mark and rob to not come. i’m going to work on it tonite. i’m not promising that the revised ride will be easier, but maybe i can cut out the junkyard thing.

for now though, i leave you with this thought:

Gee-zuss. i know, i know…it’s old news. i was hoping someone else would beat me to it, but after sitting on it for a few weeks…whatever. here it is. i feel dirty, and kind of sick, but that might just be the ass-crappy production.

A dag nasty Colnago track bike that this dude would ride.

Boing Boing continues to evolve into a kind of Johnson-specific masturbatory dream site:

Post on wool hat that makes it look like you have a beard and mustache.

Post on leather satchel made from olde timeye beltse.

Post about reflective ankle wraps that make you look like a cartoon super hero.

it occured to me that certain folks might’nt know what, perxactly, to bring, ride and wear to the dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr . now i know there are plenty of magazines on the subject, and even some bible verses.

“Enter not into the path of the geared bicycle, and go not in the way of evil lycra.”

Proverbs, 4:14

However, for those who do not want to dig for wisdom, knowledge and knowingery, I present these maxims:

Bring your worst ridable bike. Extra points if it isnt actually rideable. Extra points if it becomes easier to ride when the operator is severly intoxicated. Ideal bikes have underinflated tires, tires with little to no tread (for if you have no tread then you know traction. sorry that was bad.) tubes with at least 4 patches, extremely loose headsets that are shimmed with PBR cans, or better yet, piece of mulch. speaking of mulch, if you have bearings that resemble such, brang it.

Stems that don’t tighten, or use czech sized bolts, or are shimmed with bubble gum, handlebars that creak with the slightest provication, extremely rusted bolts, chains that wouldnt know grease if they bathed in it, spokes crooked, loose or awol, chainrings with teeth you could use for fish hooks, pedals that rattle on the spindle, cranks that wobble whenever you let the pressure off of them, bottom brackets of unknown providence, but known shittyness, brake levers that squeeze back to the bar and even then only slow you down if you are already at a stop are par for the course. Brakes should be single pivot at best, have two brake pads full of aluminum and road dust, bolts so rusted that they could become richard serra pieces, idealy brakes can only be adjust with rocks or profuse swearing. brake springs may be replaced with coat hangers, spokes, or nothing.

Frames should be out of alignment to the point where if you take your hands off, there is no way to ride a straight line. Frames should have more rust than paint, and present paint should be from a can. brushed not sprayed, plus 4 points. superfulous items such as baskets, taped on fenders, 3 bells that dont work, bungied on frame pumps, cages bent to accept 40s, lights that havnt worked in 4 years, and racks attached with zip ties and one bolt are all nearly requisite.

Anything else? I am sure I missed something cory.

As for clothing, shorts must get dangerously close to showing something they ought not, jerseys should either look terrible, itch, or be way too tight. Clothing should, under no circumstances, be appropriate for the climate. leather helmets covered in a strange cake like substance are encourage, or other protective headwear, like hats and beanies.

shoes should be retarded expensive compared to the rest of the program. Ideally shoes cost more than 3 aforementioned bikes, your outfit and grocerys for the week. if you can squeeze your togs into womens shoes, extra points, for no good reason.

as for food, and tools. we already talked about tools. 1 rock, floor pump and a patch kit. team mechanics bring vice grips.

food is more complicated: flasks should be unwashed, and contain remenants of at least 3 different kinds of plastic bottle booze, and have been passed around at 2 drum circles. someone with the flu, the clap or the drip should have supped from the cup in the last 32 hours. chasers can be carried in waterbottles, be sure to put in a beer that doesnt taste bad flat and warm. tasty examples include: schlitz, schlitz lite.

oh, food. nacho slim jims, tebasco slim jims, latkes, twinkys, pork rinds, and smeary squishy things in plastic wrappers without lables.

again, i am sure i forgot something. remember, this is just a primer, a 101, a beginngers course, a first look, a taste, a dram, a fingerling. what?

i hate iphones.

here it is in all its glory. one per customer.

spoke card for the ride spoken of below.

you will be there.

nick, get your ticket. or hide in cory’s baggage.

or the dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr, for short.

NEWS FLASH:  the ride will be dec 2, a sunday, start around 1pm, and end up back at cory’s un-shanty for grill, booze, fire and a small black and white cat.  exact meeting location to be disclosed.

as pictures from last years ride of death, aka the hardest ride ever, will attest, these rides are hard. nick died 3 times, only to be revived by alternately waving spoke cards in front of his eyes and cow crap under his nose. gary almost died, but ran off into the woods instead. cory didn’t die at all, but secretly blew a gasket. i died over 3,000 times, or everytime there was 1 foot of elevation gain. luckily there was about the same about of elevation loss, so in the end i went home mostly alive.

here are pictures, for attesting purposes: (scroll way down for semi interesting details on the upcoming ride)

gary never walks. gary is walking. nick likes to walk. he brought his walking pants.

gary has black socks. nick has black socks. gary has a water bottle stolen from a kids bike.

nick is tying his shoe while throwing up. gary looks away in disgust.

nick searches for a way out: perhaps a rock to beam cory with. i pretend like i am climbing, but really i am about to fall of my bike.

remember kids, safety in numbers.

as you can see, there was some walking. there was some crying. there was spritual enlightenment in the form of miller high life and a flask. was there? i cant remember. there was ice cream, and a ‘zoo smell’.

all of this is to mainly drum of excitement, terror and a decent period of time to make excuses as to why you wont be able to make it to the dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr.

i have already made commemorative dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr t shirts, stickers, beer steins, beer mugs, pint glasses, pilsner glasses, imperial pint glasses, snifters, flasks, patches, key fobs, a limited edition subaru outback sport ls, hoody, coaster, condom, embroidered boxers, briefs and thongs, dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr awareness pins, hats, thumb warmers, and coffee mugs, dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr blend coffee, tea, chai, dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr bottled water, and i have signed, limited edition ridelugged approved cory portraits, which are hand drawn on dirty white selle italia flite saddle covers. these will go fast, and at a premium, so get your bidding in now.

as for time, date and recommended stuff to brung/brang, well, i reckon, thats kinda up to cory. hell, he doesnt even know i planned this shit yet. we might even have to do it without him.

its gunna be sometime betwixt nov 30 and dec 2. i dont know when yet. sorry. fuck you. i said i was sorry. asshole. i hate iphones.

sub 30 miles, loads and loads of painful climbing, lots of dirt, dirty dirt, start in meyersville to make the environmentalists pissed off. i’m going to try to have rob go predrive it, to make sure it all makes sense. rob, sunday drive? if not, thats ok. ride profile at routeslip under why did i bring my single speed, under user name ride lugged.