Ride Lugged

it occured to me that certain folks might’nt know what, perxactly, to bring, ride and wear to the dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr . now i know there are plenty of magazines on the subject, and even some bible verses.

“Enter not into the path of the geared bicycle, and go not in the way of evil lycra.”

Proverbs, 4:14

However, for those who do not want to dig for wisdom, knowledge and knowingery, I present these maxims:

Bring your worst ridable bike. Extra points if it isnt actually rideable. Extra points if it becomes easier to ride when the operator is severly intoxicated. Ideal bikes have underinflated tires, tires with little to no tread (for if you have no tread then you know traction. sorry that was bad.) tubes with at least 4 patches, extremely loose headsets that are shimmed with PBR cans, or better yet, piece of mulch. speaking of mulch, if you have bearings that resemble such, brang it.

Stems that don’t tighten, or use czech sized bolts, or are shimmed with bubble gum, handlebars that creak with the slightest provication, extremely rusted bolts, chains that wouldnt know grease if they bathed in it, spokes crooked, loose or awol, chainrings with teeth you could use for fish hooks, pedals that rattle on the spindle, cranks that wobble whenever you let the pressure off of them, bottom brackets of unknown providence, but known shittyness, brake levers that squeeze back to the bar and even then only slow you down if you are already at a stop are par for the course. Brakes should be single pivot at best, have two brake pads full of aluminum and road dust, bolts so rusted that they could become richard serra pieces, idealy brakes can only be adjust with rocks or profuse swearing. brake springs may be replaced with coat hangers, spokes, or nothing.

Frames should be out of alignment to the point where if you take your hands off, there is no way to ride a straight line. Frames should have more rust than paint, and present paint should be from a can. brushed not sprayed, plus 4 points. superfulous items such as baskets, taped on fenders, 3 bells that dont work, bungied on frame pumps, cages bent to accept 40s, lights that havnt worked in 4 years, and racks attached with zip ties and one bolt are all nearly requisite.

Anything else? I am sure I missed something cory.

As for clothing, shorts must get dangerously close to showing something they ought not, jerseys should either look terrible, itch, or be way too tight. Clothing should, under no circumstances, be appropriate for the climate. leather helmets covered in a strange cake like substance are encourage, or other protective headwear, like hats and beanies.

shoes should be retarded expensive compared to the rest of the program. Ideally shoes cost more than 3 aforementioned bikes, your outfit and grocerys for the week. if you can squeeze your togs into womens shoes, extra points, for no good reason.

as for food, and tools. we already talked about tools. 1 rock, floor pump and a patch kit. team mechanics bring vice grips.

food is more complicated: flasks should be unwashed, and contain remenants of at least 3 different kinds of plastic bottle booze, and have been passed around at 2 drum circles. someone with the flu, the clap or the drip should have supped from the cup in the last 32 hours. chasers can be carried in waterbottles, be sure to put in a beer that doesnt taste bad flat and warm. tasty examples include: schlitz, schlitz lite.

oh, food. nacho slim jims, tebasco slim jims, latkes, twinkys, pork rinds, and smeary squishy things in plastic wrappers without lables.

again, i am sure i forgot something. remember, this is just a primer, a 101, a beginngers course, a first look, a taste, a dram, a fingerling. what?

i hate iphones.