Ride Lugged

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I’d be more impressed if he was riding on of those stupid tall bikes

Looks like the tall bike disease doesn’t discriminate against Canadians.

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Little does cory know that this actually costs 1 dollar a link. buahahaha. Cory has a mountain bike, and supposedly he is getting a cross bike. What he doesnt have is a cory proof townie bike. As far as I can tell, cory likes bikes that almost look 100 percent rad, but have 5% or so built in wack factor, ie a disc brake on a really lite bike, or a shitty saddle cover on an otherwise fine looking road frame. Cory likes to do dumb shit, like drop off loading docks when he is drunk, or ride up berms on a fixie, ect. He broke some AM classic road racing wheels within weeks of owning them, by riding them very off road. I have ridden and even owned a cory townie bike, the brakes didnt work the frame was covered in rust, ect. What follows is my interpretation of what cory would like to have in a townie bike (a challenging yet enjoyable ride, the ability to take it off road, on half centuries, ect, the ability to do no maintenace for 3 years and still have the pedals turn, wheels that dont break, a big basket for beer, and a rear rack for whatever, almost super classy asethics, ect ect)

Here we go-

Frame and Fork- This is hard. Cory is by turns super picky/doesnt give a fuck. I am going to say 650 B-able frame set: Big tires roll fastish, but are fat enough to provide cush without the weight of a 29er. Also, quirky. Thats a plus. I’m going with an Oswald: he does really clean work, his fork crown is hotter than hell, and he is a PA frame builder who doesnt use any powertools in his shop. Rad. This Lugset, with this crown. We’ll say dark grey with Creme lug lining, no logos, just headbadge, preferably cut from a piece of core-ten, so it progressivly stains the headtube. forward facing horizontal dropouts, campy style, with the mech hanger filed off, and an extra eyelet brazed on. $2200

Headset: Cory thinks that 1.125 inch headsets are the deal, for no real reason. I am gunna be a bitch, and give him an old school 1.25 threadless headset, mainly to get his goat. King made one, and we’ll find it on ebay. $140

Stem: Custom Oswald. Fillet Brazed with a bell mount on it. $120

Bars: Origin Dirt Drops. Not super elegant, but they seem to have a deeper drop and a longer reach than the on-ones. Modified as needed with wooden dowels. $60

Bar Tape: This is hard. What wears like Iron but doesnt feel like crap? I am going with japanese track grips, say, dark orange? $17

Levers: Ok, only one brake, but two levers. For comfort. The newish Paul fixie lever is pretty hot, but frankly not in a great place for decents. Cory likes all road levers it seems, but I think for this application a modolo lever set will work great. Strong, good modulation, ect ect. $65

Brake: Just a front brake, yo, cause the end result is a fixie. We’ll go with a strong one, some vintage Paul Stop Lites. Hard to find, but I know a place. $65

Front Rack: This is just a dream bike, so we’ll get our rack from ant, who only supplies them on bikes he makes. Wooden planks and a place for the U lock. Hot. $175

Rear Rack: Ant again. Cant pass it up. $175

Saddle: Cory hates brooks, for again, no good reason. He says they are heavy then rides a 32 lbs Ti monster. So we need something classy yet comfortable. WTB’s SST saddle was really nice, until they did away with it. Maybe we can find one in the bargain bin. We want the nice one without the stitching, and a full leather cover, of course. $10

Seat Post: Cory really likes Thompson, but for this application we are going to go with something a little more esoteric. Say a cook bros post with built in reflector. it adjusts with shims, which is super annoying to get dialed. Perfect. $120

Front Light: Schmitt e-6. its the best and most bomber there is. $109

Tail Light: B and M with stand lite. Dont get wacked again cory… $35

Front Hub: The Ultergra Level Dynamo Hub, 36 hole for durability sake. $90

Rear Hub: High Flange Paul Components hub, 36 hole, polished silver: bomber rear axel, big bearings, adjustable sealed bearings, ridiculous finish. $120

Spokes: Durability here is paramount, not weight. Cory loves to ride his wheels barely tensioned, with at least 5 spokes hanging more or less tensionless and bent. For this reason, XL 14s wont work. We need Wheelsmith’s DH 13/14/13 gauge spokes which you could shred logs and small childrens limbs with. $80

Rims: Cory is secretly french, so we’ll go with the bomb proof, double eyeleted, french made rigida 650b rims. 520 grams of touring style toughness. $100

Tires: Gran Bois Hetre Tires. Super spendy, very hot, 650b x 44, clay red with tan sidewalls. Sub 400 grams. Why? You’d be hard pressed to pinch flat a tire that fat, but its still very fast due to its minimal tread. Perfect for city biking, bike paths, touring, slowish centuries, and lets not forget the bling factor. $130

Fenders: Biggest Honjo’s made 650b/58mm. I feel like Honjos are less prone to rattle loose: SKS fenders have so much hardware that they seem to never stay adjusted, and when riding off road, the fender bounces around and wacks the tire. Not good. $80

Bottom Bracket: 113mm SKF, stainless spindle. SKF invented the sealed cartridge bearing, and they still make really nice ones. The only sealed cartridge in the MOMA. $80

Cranks: Syncros Revolution Cranks. Steel, (we’ll get them repainted to match the bike) canadian, rarish, strong as crap, and not too heavy. Ebay is a great place. $100ish

Pedals: Rivendell Grip Kings. Made by MKS, so you know they’ll last long. Perfect for riding barefoot. $50

Chain: Izumi super toughness. Its super tough, yo. $60

Cog: Euro Asia 18 tooth. Its retardedly spendy. Gotta mean something. $120

$4,111, not including pump, or any bags. Not too bad, again. The thing is, this bike wouldnt be just a townie. It would be a fun bike for almost any outing, outside of serious mtn biking, or really hilly touring. Again, if we went with say, a surly pacer frame, the price would become much more reasonable. $2300. It wouldnt suck, it just wouldnt be as rad. We could still use the 650B tires, with rivendell’s ultra long reach dual pivot caliper. I think if cory takes issue with anything it will be the square taper bb, the saddle, and maybe the 650b ness of it. Thats just a guess though. Whaddya say cory?

here it is in all its glory. one per customer.

spoke card for the ride spoken of below.

you will be there.

nick, get your ticket. or hide in cory’s baggage.

Ever doubt the strangeness of a frenchman? Never.

Wow, I hope you don’t hit a pothole and go over the bars on this one.

especially with that custom inverted fork?

Tak jezdim do prace autobusem no a co!?

found a super cheap peugeot at centre peace, a local thrift store kind of place where convicts at the local lock up can do some service and earn 1 dollar a month or something. anyway, i just got through restoring my friend emily’s peugeot, which was a mixte as well, but black, with fenders and generators. this seems to be the same frame and basic drivetrain but without the city bike kit. it came with some sketchy drop bars and an AVA stem, which looks nice, but is the ultra dumb 25 mm size. actually everyone else is stupid for not adopting the 25 mm size, but thats a topic for another rainy day. which this is not. rainy. so i wish it had fenders, but VO sells em now cheap, so maybe maybe. here are some spy shots:

the brakes need some kool stop salmon pads, they honk a bit, but the calipers themselves are in great shape. in fact the whole bike has minimal wear, like someone rode 3 times around the block in 1977 and garaged it after that.

you can see the simplex plunger ft mech down there, just a bit, and the mixte plate that ties the twin lats to the seat tube. usually bikes this old need new tires, but the 27 x something michelins are in great shape and roll fast.

mustache bars and nitto stem. viva bar tape, the best there is. 3 layers of shellac and a wingspan of twine. i removed the lever bodys and wrapped over the clamps. had to sand the stem down a bit to fit in the steerer tube. those lever tops are westminster swap finds, the original white ones were a bit icky from age.

did simplex start that stupid black parts trend? it shifts fine, considering how much hate is ladled on the delrin. i could see how time would wear it quickly though. the newish sram chain probly helps shifting matters a bit. should i ditch the pie plate, or is it too legit to quit?

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the big picture. the pin stripping looks good in person, its nice to see hand work done on a such a cheap bike. i think the whole thing looks alot better than any current women’s bike made by the big guys. everything looks proportionate and classic. no finishes to wear off, ect. low q factor too. i took it for a 45 minute ride today into some hills, and it faired well. wouldnt want to do that with 25lbs in a rack on it, cause it lacks a granny. wasnt made for that anyway. major weaknesses: saddle sucks. it has two plate ‘rails’ that dig up into the butt. the delrin shift levers flex a bit, so you have to over shift. its really stable at speed, but at slow speeds the front end feels unweighted, probally cause of the raked out fork. i think with a basket it will be fine.

interestingly, its not too heavy.  a new hybrid with flat resistant tires and tubes, 9 speeds, clunky v brakes, suspension, gel saddle and cheap forged crank probally weighs a bit more.  it’s easily sub 30lbs.

ridiculous ramblings and rantulings:

My house is surrounded by shitty neighbors. It’s like being engulfed by people who are too dumb to really hate, but you hate them anyway. Across the street we have a family who have two very much adult sons who still live at home. Their principal occupation (the whole family) seems to be occasionally fishing and hunting. Nobody ever leaves on any sort of a schedule to go to work. They are the type of family that is so lazy that they installed an electric fence to corral their dogs: they were to lazy to walk them. They just open their doors, and out the dogs come; medium sized balls of black pubic hair, incessantly barking at anything and everything. There is no exception: they see Mel and I every single day, usually multiple times, and they still bark. These are the kinds of dogs that leave your chairs looking like Tom Sellec’s chest. The pubic balls posts themselves in opposite corners of the yard, and signal each other when an unsuspecting jogger or biker approaches. Then the barking frenzy ensues.

So I’m thinking about ways to blow them up. I think land mines would be the most comically effective. The neighbors themselves wouldn’t be at risk: they never actually set foot in their 1 acre plot of dying grass. I could place bets with myself over which mine would explode first. I thought about shooting them from my attic, but Mel won’t let me have a rifle in the house. I thought about tainted meat, a bow and arrow, a slingshot, a Molotov cocktail, a hit man, a Blackwell ‘employee’. I thought about putting fireworks in sausages.

Don’t think that I am alone in my hate: I think the previous inhabitants of our house shared my sentiment. When we moved in, they had three dogs, all black balls of crotch hair. One of these dogs had 3 legs. Landmine?

Tripod was actually the most annoying of the dogs, as he would chase after bikers at an incredible rate of speed, in the days before the electric fence. Thank god he died.

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These neighbors are smart: they have 3 cars, and a 2 car garage. Where do the cars live? Outside. What lives in the garage? A boat and a TV room for the boys, replete with a 12 inch TV screen and shitty lawn chairs. Correct me if I am wrong, but wouldn’t it be smarter to put the boat outside in the rain? Aren’t boat’s supposed to get wet? I don’t really begrudge the TV room, I too would set up one in the garage if my house was covered in a thick mat of black curly hair. (note: these people almost certainly have all off white and taupe colored furniture) They have a huge backyard deck, which they have used, by my count (and believe me, I keep close watch on these characters, as they are obviously deranged in numerous ways, as well as being gun owners) 0 times in the past year. Which really just reduces the deck to a large pressure treated tumor growing out of the back of the house.

One last note on these poor souls: the pond in the front yard. They have a blue gravel pond, which while ridiculous in itself, is made more so by the fact that is on a pretty severe slope, negating any illusion that it holds water.

Also: they like lawn sculptures.

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Our other neighbors can be examined in a more cursory fashion. First- they steal our raspberries. It would be one thing to come to the door and ask to pick some. No. They steal them, then! when confronted, avow that the bushes are shared property, which must be why we maintain them and mow around them, and they just steal them. American sharing.

Thankfully there is a dense set of bushes and trees between us and them, limiting our exposure to the bare minimum. Once, whilst sitting on my porch, we saw the father and son in the backyard. Hunting squirrels (why?) with a gun (illegal, we are in a friggin suburban neighborhood) in camo (again, why?) without shirts on (creepy). That pretty much says all you need to know about them: creepy, stupid, wannabe rednecks.

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Other neighbors include two drunks with a penchant for tie-dyed wall hangings and DUIs, and the diagonal neighbors who are outside so rarely that we couldn’t pick them out of a line up in a murder trial (which, undoubtedly we will have to do).

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Even Levi Leipheimer uses the old paperclip in the brake lever trick!

hmm… he’s actually racing with a carbon bar and stem. doesn’t sound like a good idea to me.