Ride Lugged

so route slip became the beached whale that is left to die on the sands of new jersey and is looted by tourists and inuit wannabes.  they sort of stopped providing support, and rolled over and lost all my routes, which was a lot of routes.  thats what you get for free i guess.

anyway, they got ‘bought out’ by mapmyride and so we have to use that now.  which is actually a good thing.  it makes your cue sheet for you, has a decent road follower tool which allows you to delete big parts of mistakes at once, shows real time elevation, ect.  the cue sheet set up is particularly nice.  i tested its accuracy yesterday, and it was spot on, even giving the name and route number of a given road.  this feature is super good for country roads missing signs.  this feature makes it better than bikely and routeslip combined.  it also allows you to add tags like water or food and provide a description, like google my maps.  so i started an open group, for who ever, to add ridelugged minded routes.  the URL is http://www.mapmyride.com/community/groups/833088119056

you have to sign up to the site, which is free and easier than even getting an email account from a blind chinese fortune teller.

go sign up, make a route, join the club, go ride your bike.  yeah you, the one who should be training.  go ride.

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the dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr was originally slated to take place at 1pm in myersville.  rob pre-drove the course with mark, and they deemed it too hard.  ok.  i can handle criticism.  or can i?  buahahahahaha.  here is my proposed compromise, complied from a dirt roads index that joe whitehair gave me, and a ride profile that he conjoured up.  this ride is longer, but not harder, and has more dirty dirt and chip roads.  you could singlespeed it, easy.  the ride profile shows no climbs over 300 feet.  considering the length, it is really really really flat.  that said, some people might say, oh its long.  but its flat! thats a compromise.  there will be no death march climb, no hills for a walkin’.  there are also numberous bail out points, and a longish section that you could cut out and sit around waiting for everyone else to complete.

my opinion though, is because its longer, we should A. all bring lights, definately.  front and back.  fresh batteries.  check them before you ride.

B. bring toe warmers, ect.  thick socks.  you know the drill.  a weather proof jacket.  ear warmers.  good gloves.

C. we should probally leave corys at 12 not 1.  that way, we’ll get back right when its getting dark.  mark, be there at 11.  you dont read this though.

if there is major issues with this plan, i can tie off the dingle at the mid-point in the ride that gives about 18 extra miles and more dirt road, as well as a view of the potomac river.  i would rather not, but i would really rather have everyone come on this ride.

routeslip thing here.  

here it is in all its glory. one per customer.

spoke card for the ride spoken of below.

you will be there.

nick, get your ticket. or hide in cory’s baggage.

or the dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr, for short.

NEWS FLASH:  the ride will be dec 2, a sunday, start around 1pm, and end up back at cory’s un-shanty for grill, booze, fire and a small black and white cat.  exact meeting location to be disclosed.

as pictures from last years ride of death, aka the hardest ride ever, will attest, these rides are hard. nick died 3 times, only to be revived by alternately waving spoke cards in front of his eyes and cow crap under his nose. gary almost died, but ran off into the woods instead. cory didn’t die at all, but secretly blew a gasket. i died over 3,000 times, or everytime there was 1 foot of elevation gain. luckily there was about the same about of elevation loss, so in the end i went home mostly alive.

here are pictures, for attesting purposes: (scroll way down for semi interesting details on the upcoming ride)

gary never walks. gary is walking. nick likes to walk. he brought his walking pants.

gary has black socks. nick has black socks. gary has a water bottle stolen from a kids bike.

nick is tying his shoe while throwing up. gary looks away in disgust.

nick searches for a way out: perhaps a rock to beam cory with. i pretend like i am climbing, but really i am about to fall of my bike.

remember kids, safety in numbers.

as you can see, there was some walking. there was some crying. there was spritual enlightenment in the form of miller high life and a flask. was there? i cant remember. there was ice cream, and a ‘zoo smell’.

all of this is to mainly drum of excitement, terror and a decent period of time to make excuses as to why you wont be able to make it to the dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr.

i have already made commemorative dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr t shirts, stickers, beer steins, beer mugs, pint glasses, pilsner glasses, imperial pint glasses, snifters, flasks, patches, key fobs, a limited edition subaru outback sport ls, hoody, coaster, condom, embroidered boxers, briefs and thongs, dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr awareness pins, hats, thumb warmers, and coffee mugs, dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr blend coffee, tea, chai, dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr bottled water, and i have signed, limited edition ridelugged approved cory portraits, which are hand drawn on dirty white selle italia flite saddle covers. these will go fast, and at a premium, so get your bidding in now.

as for time, date and recommended stuff to brung/brang, well, i reckon, thats kinda up to cory. hell, he doesnt even know i planned this shit yet. we might even have to do it without him.

its gunna be sometime betwixt nov 30 and dec 2. i dont know when yet. sorry. fuck you. i said i was sorry. asshole. i hate iphones.

sub 30 miles, loads and loads of painful climbing, lots of dirt, dirty dirt, start in meyersville to make the environmentalists pissed off. i’m going to try to have rob go predrive it, to make sure it all makes sense. rob, sunday drive? if not, thats ok. ride profile at routeslip under why did i bring my single speed, under user name ride lugged.

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_
this highly scientific venture should only be undertaken if you dont have a job, dont value time, effort or results, and you have lots of files, sanders, and strips of oak lying around. also: need at least 4 beers, preferably really hoppy so the flavor cuts the taste of sawdust in the air. also: an NPR station that only plays classical helps, as does a penchant for getting excited about things that barely work, and need endless fiddling to make function.

read on fair reader!

i started with two pieces of oak, that i sandwiched together using woodglue. let that dry for about 2 beers.

then i glued my stencil to the board, just sanding it off later. i made my stencil shorter than the suntour shifter, which i later realized was a bad move.

i then cut out the bulk of the negative space with a hack saw.

using 6 files, a random orbital sander, and my teeth, i was able to get the shape down pretty fast.

i did a bit of hand sanding as well, as the shape started to get finalized.

almost done. needs some more sanding and filing. and shellacing.

ok there it is! it actually works fine. as good as the other one at least. i had to continually tighten the shifter onto the DT boss and shift it, to grind out room for a steel washer in the back. it worked, and looks nice even. under that suntour plate there is a small brass washer. i think i’d like to make a set on the cnc out of some cooler wood. this mission oak kinda looks like something a crappy furniture maker would make.

Here’s a few pics I took at Bike Jam: Baltimore this weekend. Gary was there too, just hanging out like it was in his backyard, which it sorta was.

Closest I’ve ever been to pro-level road racing action. Only saw one crash for as short of a course as it was.

Suffice it to say, there were no lugged bikes there.

More Bike Jam content at my friend Garret’s blog: here and here

two weekends that work for me: the 12th or 19th of may. i have an easy ride planned. by easy i mean actually pretty easy, sub 3000 feet of climbing, only 15 miles or so on dirt. 50 miles total. Here’s a ride profile, for those who dont believe me.

see all that farmland? thats just rolling hills. i estimate everyone could do this, esp if we stop and eat a light lunch in the middle. by that, i dont mean grease soaked pancakes or burgers. i mean sandwiches, which i will make using peanuts, butter, and jelly. there’s a wussy bail point, at the big dogleg 90 degree turn about 2/3s through. its not much less mileage, but you skip the big dirt climb. its not a nasty climb, it just goes on forever. for those who made the last PA ramble, this ride incorporates alot of the same stuff, but without the two big climbs (and view). it also involves crossing but not riding along, a major highway. (no big deal really) I think you could do this ride on 23s, but I would recommend a fat 28. I blah blah rain or shine. Nick, you have to ride, because I am making a spoke card. Gary, you have to ride, cause you never come out to these joints. John, you should come so we can work on breaking your cranks, and possibly stem. Rob and Christine, James, and whoever else reads this shit, should come as well. I’ll try really hard to get some fresh faces.

so cory, in cory fashion, decided to host a final frederick area ride. everyone pleaded for a casual, slow, flat ride. we brought our singlespeeds to help with the argument. but, as nick predicted:

9:57 AM

me: I think we can talk him outta it.

me: by getting him really drunk the nite before

nick: you mean tonight

me: yeah

nick: that’ll just make him want to do it more

and earlier

and faster

me: yer right

damn

nick: and in more absurd outfits

Sure enough, the next morning Cory was wearing the ugliest pants in the world. Think: plain pjs that mated with grey prison pants. In a post communist eastern block kinda way.

So it all started friday nite. We went to Cara’s house aka Cory’s sideyard for some light vegetarian stuff and beer. The 6 people present quickly cakt’ed the 30 pack of PBR, and reinforcements arrived in the form of Starmer and his CREDIT CARD.

We picked up at least 100 more beers, as well as sparks and some wack south american firewater, as well as a big bottle of wine. Gary (recently shot in the face) proceeded to drink all of everything, the whole wine bottle, alot of firewater, at least 1 sparks, as well as numerous beers. Needless to say, the next day, he kicked everyones ass, on a fixie with out brakes and a super cut down handlebar and a headset missing the upper half. in toe clips.

Anyway, we all got crunk, started a fire in a trash barrel, and passed out like driftwood on the beach in the summer with i have no idea where this analogy is going.

rob becomes cory’s front hub

Cara shies away from Cory’s explosive gas

Cory misses Veronika. This is how he copes.

Gary’s face was slightly swollen from getting SHOT IN THE FACE.

Does this count as a money shot?

The next morning, we all went to breakfast where I had to prechew all of Gary’s food, cause his inner mouth is still all stitched up.

We headed up to the South Mountain Creamery to start our ride. Nick, city boy, kept complaining about the zoo smell.

Cory, in ultra dubious Cory fashion, ropes two bikes to my bike, because his roof rack was made in sweden. (china)

The ride started off with about a mile of easy rollers, and then suddenly the nice veneer washed away and we turned on to a wall of a dirt road.

This road is so steep that the picture actually makes it look steep. Normally cameras flatten stuff out.

Notice the Cory is the only one who is happy. I obviously took this while sprinting past these guys.

The wall progessively got steeper, until we were crawling up the road, with Cory top-roping. We finally summited the mountain, Cory only having had to get off once for above group picture. The view at the top was sublime. Perhaps it was the lack of oxygen going to my brain.

Here is Nick at the top. You cant see his face, but it is saying: why the shit do I go on these totally fucked up ridiculous zoo rides with these bumpkins?

We visited Damien and Becky at the halfway point, but all the pictures looked like crap sticks. Sorry. She made us pancakes and Damien gave us a taste of the high life. Miller High Life. It was good.

Immediately after pancakes, we started 5 miles of climbing. It was a good thing I wore Birkenstocks, there was a lot of walking.

Nick, wondering when Washington County will learn about mountain top removal.

Its too bad this isnt a video: Gary and I crawling up Reno Monument Road, the longest nastiest steepest road ever. We had to switch back up the whole way. I stopped once, no walking. Gary never stopped. I thought his neck wound would explode.

This is me, when I stopped about half way up. Note ultra stiff riding shoes.

This was officially the hardest ride ever. It wouldnt have been bad on a moped. With disc brakes. But the combo of singlespeeds, beer ingestion and singlespeeds made it extra hard. Everyone had a good time though, except Nick, who only does these rides for DC street cred and spoke cards.

(Editor’s note: Cory will posthumously grant the riders spoke cards, once he get to the czech republic, just don’t forget to remind him!! -cory)

so starmer, myself and gary are looking for a 4th team member for the upcoming WV 24 hrs of big bear. selling points: gary is the only fast one, so speed is a non-issue. we drink beer and have beautiful women on hand to cook for us. we might have a massage therapist. we have tiki torches and an easy up thats held together with zip ties. we have two loaner bikes if you dont have a singlespeed. (they are both 17 inch though). big bear is a hard course, but it is cake compared to the 24 hrs of 7 springs. the weather is usually nice. there is a trials competition to watch. its about 100 bucks to enter.

pics from the seven springs ride here. its more fun than that. there was a hurricane and shit.

anyway: we are excepting applicants of all sexes, ages, fatness ratios, ect. if you’re interested, or have questions concerning out hygene (not good) email me: jamesjohnsonart (at) yahoo (dot) com

meet the team, below.

johnson: sometimes hairy, poorly kept, hasnt seen 150lbs since ronald reagan had a leading role in a good movie. known to speculate on the futures market without knowing what either of those mean.

Gary: flamboyant unemployed twice mortally wounded loan officer/ketchup drinker/bad go getter. note street cred clothing and bullet necklace.

Starmer (on right): recent kabalah inductee, lifelong libratarian, sagitarian, vegetarian, librarian, oil drum. likes: long walks in the park, daffodils. dislikes: bad breath, egotistical men, small rodents.

Bust:45

Hips: 38

Waist: Don’t ask.