Bike for sale

What kind of bike? I don’t know, I’m not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you’re way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan’s mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying “FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME”.

The bike says Giant on the side because it’s referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.

The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that’s bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you’re going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you’re probably a dickless lizard who doesn’t like to look intimidating.

The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you’re going to love this thing because it doesn’t try to penetrate your ass or anything.

I’ve topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you’re just a regular man you’ll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:

Gear 1 – Sissy Gear
Gear 2 – Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 – Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 – Boy Gear
Gear 5 – Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 – Manly Gear
Gear 7 – Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.

Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull’s testicles and tells people you don’t fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves “Hey asshole, touch this bike and I’ll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four”.

Bike is for 150 OBO (and don’t give me no panzy prices)

* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

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so we had a super good turn out for the scramble.  dave got points for driving the furthest to get here.  phil got points for riding a bike that would give a cory townie a run for its money (crappynesswise).  way to many people showed up on fixed gears and kicked ass on them.  joe, jay, john (sort of) jason and phil were all punished the roads with their insanity.  there were, if i recall, 9 flats, 4 of which happened to Rob and two of which happened to Damien.  Is that right?  Or were there more?  We made it home before blinky lights were needed, but not by too much.

Dave took pictures, which he hasnt posted on Flickr yet, so did John (same thing) but Joe has some up here.

I hope everyone had as good of a time as I did, pain aside.  That said, I rode the next day and felt 90 percent OK.

I want to not feel OK next time.  I want to be groveling on the side of the road.  To that end, I propose a mega monster ride for october.  That gives you almost two months to lay off the sauce and ride a bunch.  We could split the ride over two days, but where’s the suffering in that proposal?

I’m thinking sort of an expanded dirty sugar ferry ride, to include much more dirt and plenty of more excuses to get flats.  there would be no singletrack, but just alot of farm roads and potholes.  120 miles.  It’s totally doable.  We’d have to start early, and we’d definately end after dark.

here’s a link to the proposed ride route.  

Go ahead and call me crazy.  There will mad amounts of dirt.  Or you will be mad about the amount of dirt.  Check it against the dirt road database.  There is more dirt than pavement, almost. I’d say at least 40 solid miles of dirt.  Let’s say October 26th for now.   Image from last year’s Ferry Ride here.

Maybe someone knows someone’s yard we can sleep in down that way.

So I reconsidered and settled for a compromise of space and functionality over pure aesthetic. Which as you can see is definitely not an issue here. An Einstein Bagels lunch box with handle removed.

Then I got working on a high-tech mounting system that will securely hold my lunch box and it’s payload while riding over bumpy terrain and not be clanky and loud…

Now the fun part….drilling holes with precision and exactitude…

I then secured the lunch box to the mounting system with superior stainless hardware for easy removal at rest stops and so noone steals it while I’m inside a liquor store shoplifting…

So now I can carry my three PB&J sandwiches and a can of Mountain Dew safely and within easy grasp while I’m riding. Plus, I can tape the queue sheet to the inside of the top of the lunch box for easy reading at busy intersections. I’m also going to trick it out with bottle cage mounts on either side for a couple cans of Sparks.
Here’s the finished product!

There’s just enough room for my hands to comfortably grab my dialed BMX brake lever in case of emergency. So there you have it. Seven dollars worth of hardware and a one dollar lunch box from a consignment shop…and I’m rollin’ deep. I tested it (with four innertubes in boxes) around the backyard and it rattles like crazy and clanks and jiggles….perfect.
Rob

iron-E seems to have johnson pinned to the cold hard facts of reality wet soggy ground.

our hero can hardly breath under the weight of such literary deviciveness

but victory is never far, and johnson stands triumpant, yellowing iron-e

savagely

what what? victory

mmm yellow

“Bike Fetish Gave Man an ‘Overwhelming Sense of Calm’”

our rambles end in the dark or the dusk, as a rule. people dont believe me when i say a ride is going to last 7 hours, even if it is only a 45 mile ride. you see, we eat, pant, bitch, get flats, warm up and freeze, and all that takes time. plus we are all slower than a potatoe growing spuds in a paper bag, so, we ride along at 6.2 mph, on average.

so: lighting. i think i am going to require it. because if anyone got smooshed on one of my rides i’d feel bad. and i’d have to scrape your brain up and put it in my sigg. and siggs are pricey.

next ride we do, you gotta have a head light and a tail light. one that you can actually see with. that means not a light that you cant see with. whats that mean? you need more than 1 watt o’ power, led or halogen. Also, tail lights. get a big bright one. those little watch battery ones dont crank out the jams.

what works? on the cheap and crappy end, those cateye halogen joints that eat batteries (the HL-MC200 is 2.4 watts and costs less than 20 bucks. get two?) on the high end of the led world, b and m’s new ixon light looks ugly, but is reportedly quite bright.  i have ridden with the cat eye el 50o, its better than most, but you need two to really see.  also, eats batteries.

up front, if you make, say 75000 dollars a year and have no constituents, and say, need a new front wheel, get a generator hub and halogen headlight.  super bright, on when you need it off when you dont.  90 for the hub, 40 for spokes, 30-90 for a rim, 30 for the headlight.

right.  so around back…  cat eye’s TL-LD1000 is retardedly bright, ask rob.  not that he uses one.  but his wife does.  cheaper but still good is the hasselhoff approved tl ld600.  its half the cost but bizarrely ugly and bulky.  which would explain why mark uses one.  planet bike also makes the ugly but brightest of the bright ‘super flash’ supposedly the only tail light visible in the day time, and at night visi up to a mile.  30 bones to not get run over not bad…

if you do the generator thing, i can help, i’ve set up half a dozen different styles.  leave a comment and i’ll help you out.

I’m running a 80′s BMX lever through some cable that Wienmann made for Dia-Compe in 86′ and into a 70′s Dura Ace caliper with brake pads that Kool Stop made for Skyway in 87′. The seat is circa 1984. It’s fine for about 20 miles or so…and then it sucks.
I’m told I get lots of shit for having only a rear brake on a fixie…but it’s functional.
I enjoy this bike immensely and ride it all over the place now.
Including 50 mile rides that Casey comes up with.
With a Brooks saddle though.
Q