Ride Lugged

In honor of a bike that I really miss riding, here is a creepy montage of Merckx crashing.

“Bike Fetish Gave Man an ‘Overwhelming Sense of Calm’”

maybe this will tempt you all into coming!

Photos that bring me back to 3rd Grade that I have been ‘working’ on recently.

I wont provide lengthy explanations, because I think it’s all pretty self explanatory, ya know. Everything is availible for sale or trade, as per usual. More or less name your price, as if you want to hang any of this on your wall.  These have proved oddly popular on Flickr, although I am not sure why, except that people seem to like mini things, and apparently photos of mini amputees.

They have morbid titles and everything.  I think you can click on them and it takes you to flickr, but if not, here is the linktion.

“Also buttressing this idea, the TEXTURE, which was ACTUAL TEXTURE, changes when the piece because a PHOTOGRAPH, though it is still evedent to the eye, it cannot be touched. In a sense, it is SIMULATED, because it cannot be truly touched.”

Missing words, non-sensical phrasing, unsupported buttressing.  I hope this guy doesn’t build any bridges in his future.

so we have reached that time of year. the time when the students go out into the world and make environmentally based installation art.

we start with a fine piece about “The chosen artwork the object being a yellow towel did not belong.” Enigmatic, sure. But “In my work was an outdoors scene was captured.” Ah yes. Do tell us more. “The towel is not a part of nature and does not belong the fall colored leaves make it less of a nuisance.” Right. Now i am getting it. “There is INTERPENETRATION in my work as the towel and tree are interlocked. ” OK now I truly understand. “My work in particular I had to physically put the towel in the tree. ” and hard, diligent rewarding work it was! Good job student o’ mine. Furthering the misery er i mean mystery, the student submitted the work upside down.

The next entry I read was about an altoona artist. We knew he was from altoona and painted scenes about altoona because the student mentioned altoona 16 times, perhaps 14 more times than it has ever been mentioned in print. To give you a taste: Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona Altoona. makes my eyes go funny.

choice quotes: “To the Mr. Goldsworthy and myself the power of nature, is endless cycle and unpredictability is a continuous driving force.”
“I created my art piece after a large amount of contemplation.” Read: I created my piece after drinking copious amounts of cheap rail drink, pitchers of margaritas, and a half a case of amstel light. Andy Goldsworthy is crying his eyes out as we speak.

nothing says super hero like a penn state brand blanket draped over and octogenarian’s shoulders. no, seriously, that was the premise of this art project. shoulda kept that one in the oven, student o’ mine.

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ok. so i have been warned off the trail. obviously this is the last time i ever have any one but me pre-drive a course. at least i know how to lie to myself, and con others into my web of denial. this is from a recent rob to johnson email:

So Mark and I drove the route tonight. I tend to agree with Mark when he says it’s kinda ambitious.
Mostly because of the lack of riding we’ve been doing…and the impending weather that’s predicted.
It starts with a death climb and then turns into beautiful rolling country. But there are several hairy
downhills into death climbs on the other side. To really give you a picture of what we saw…
There was:
-no cell phone coverage for 90 percent of the route
-Several pitbulls on a leash outside of a confederate flag touting homes/trailers…
-two junkyards
-thousands of neighbors trying to be junkyards
-rough pavement with lots of tar
-only about three miles of dirt
-about a mile of sketchy high speed no shoulder road
-random properties that seemed like a good place for a horror flick
-random properties that seemed like a great place to hole up and be cantankerous
-the potential for LOTS of walking up hills
-magnificent views out over valleys
-no stores or gas stations or anything that could sell you a moonpie or cupcake

I’m not saying it’s not possible…just that it would be a bitch for anyone not is great shape.
Also, with a sub 40 degree day with a 50 percent chance of rain and some snow showers…
it would be a completely treacherous road ride…you WOULD NOT want wet rim brakes!!!
DOOM!!!
seriously….some of those descents would produce injury. Especially if the road surface was wet/icy.
So there you have it. It took us over an hour to drive and we went pretty fast…I thought.
I can make you a list of things you should take…but I won’t be on that list.
I’m in no shape to do that kind of ride, nor do I have the clothing.
Mark doesn’t have the bike. So we’re out if you all are in.
Mark did have a great idea of doing a ride from the Shanty of Benson up Hamburg and perhaps include
some single track and lots of gravel roads and then come down, say, by the reservoir or something.
That way everyone could drink and not have to drive to/from a grueling bike ride.
So there you have it.
Oh, the directions were good though. Except for a couple of places. Which I fixed on my Queue sheet.
Call me.

a few things are obvious from this email: rob doesn’t ride with a loaded gun, he thinks brakes that work are a right not a priveledge, and is thinks he is fatter than i am. john wrote a semi similar email with words like ‘white knuckle decent’ and ‘walking’ repeatedly mentioned.

so i have to reconsider. obv we dont want mark and rob to not come. i’m going to work on it tonite. i’m not promising that the revised ride will be easier, but maybe i can cut out the junkyard thing.

for now though, i leave you with this thought:

Boing Boing continues to evolve into a kind of Johnson-specific masturbatory dream site:

Post on wool hat that makes it look like you have a beard and mustache.

Post on leather satchel made from olde timeye beltse.

Post about reflective ankle wraps that make you look like a cartoon super hero.

here it is in all its glory. one per customer.

spoke card for the ride spoken of below.

you will be there.

nick, get your ticket. or hide in cory’s baggage.

or the dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr, for short.

NEWS FLASH:  the ride will be dec 2, a sunday, start around 1pm, and end up back at cory’s un-shanty for grill, booze, fire and a small black and white cat.  exact meeting location to be disclosed.

as pictures from last years ride of death, aka the hardest ride ever, will attest, these rides are hard. nick died 3 times, only to be revived by alternately waving spoke cards in front of his eyes and cow crap under his nose. gary almost died, but ran off into the woods instead. cory didn’t die at all, but secretly blew a gasket. i died over 3,000 times, or everytime there was 1 foot of elevation gain. luckily there was about the same about of elevation loss, so in the end i went home mostly alive.

here are pictures, for attesting purposes: (scroll way down for semi interesting details on the upcoming ride)

gary never walks. gary is walking. nick likes to walk. he brought his walking pants.

gary has black socks. nick has black socks. gary has a water bottle stolen from a kids bike.

nick is tying his shoe while throwing up. gary looks away in disgust.

nick searches for a way out: perhaps a rock to beam cory with. i pretend like i am climbing, but really i am about to fall of my bike.

remember kids, safety in numbers.

as you can see, there was some walking. there was some crying. there was spritual enlightenment in the form of miller high life and a flask. was there? i cant remember. there was ice cream, and a ‘zoo smell’.

all of this is to mainly drum of excitement, terror and a decent period of time to make excuses as to why you wont be able to make it to the dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr.

i have already made commemorative dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr t shirts, stickers, beer steins, beer mugs, pint glasses, pilsner glasses, imperial pint glasses, snifters, flasks, patches, key fobs, a limited edition subaru outback sport ls, hoody, coaster, condom, embroidered boxers, briefs and thongs, dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr awareness pins, hats, thumb warmers, and coffee mugs, dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr blend coffee, tea, chai, dscwdibmssitilmslahcibbjf78hddr bottled water, and i have signed, limited edition ridelugged approved cory portraits, which are hand drawn on dirty white selle italia flite saddle covers. these will go fast, and at a premium, so get your bidding in now.

as for time, date and recommended stuff to brung/brang, well, i reckon, thats kinda up to cory. hell, he doesnt even know i planned this shit yet. we might even have to do it without him.

its gunna be sometime betwixt nov 30 and dec 2. i dont know when yet. sorry. fuck you. i said i was sorry. asshole. i hate iphones.

sub 30 miles, loads and loads of painful climbing, lots of dirt, dirty dirt, start in meyersville to make the environmentalists pissed off. i’m going to try to have rob go predrive it, to make sure it all makes sense. rob, sunday drive? if not, thats ok. ride profile at routeslip under why did i bring my single speed, under user name ride lugged.