Ride Lugged

8 Bombproof DIY Bike Repair Stands | BikeHacks

Don’t know how “Bombproof” these are, but they do look cheap.

It was a hot day. The kind where your fingers shrivel and melt the second you touch your seat belt buckle. Luckly, I don’t wear a seat belt. Just a smirk and a pair of well worn shoes. My shoes were talking back to me, arguing with my feet. I had blisters, and my shoes were laughing. The road was rippling under the evaporating tar. My upper lip smelled like a tire fire. Even the bums that usually collect change on MLK were sitting under the scrawny median trees and gulping malt out of large brown bags.

395 carried me up and over Pigtown, the town that could eat a half billion dollar stadium or two and not even get indigestion. Pigtown lay low and squalid, immune to the heat, the recession, and good taste. I passed an endless series of billboards so boring and generic that they put college kids to shame.

The billboards gave way to some tired woods, and I approached BWI with an eye on the exit signs. My other eye was on my pizza bones, getting cold and coagulated on the passenger seat, keeping a pile of CDs and a soiled dress shirt company. That left no eyes for the bike shop, which I passed and had to bootleg around a median in 50mph traffic. My heart played a few bars of ‘The Flight of the Bumble Bee’ and my car laughed off my attempt to accelerate into traffic.

The bike shop was long and low and ugly and packed. I had to park a metric centry away and trudge back with the weight of a thousand maryland summers on my back. My blisters throbbed like the bass in a booty club. The greeter sat behind the obvious Apple flatscreen, with a stupid grin and sparkling, blank eyes. Maybe they let him sell the kiddie bikes. Probably not. I looked around, casing the place for clues. Hell, I should know better. You don’t look for clues. You have to let them fall into your lap like a tipsy blonde, or hit you over the head like an overzealous architectural element. There were clues everywhere, wanting my attention, but I wasn’t allow to take them in. Stupid Sparkle wanted attention. He wanted me to pat him on the head. I wanted to kick him in the teeth, and then across the alley, but that would have hurt my blisters. I gave him the run around, asked him impossible questions that Stupid Sparkle could never hope to answer.

‘What’s the q-factor on this crank/bb combo?’ I asked, looking as honest as a three dollar bill. ‘What’s the gear development on this track bike, provided I am using a 1932 Rudge block track chain?’ I could barely contain myself. I could have kicked myself across the alley. Stupid Sparkle just sparkled, stupidly, and went off to find the owner. He was the meat I wanted to meet, anyway. Pun intended. For the half minute I had the place to myself I took the place in. It wasn’t a shop so much as a collection of crap with price tags. There were tires in loose, piles, helments lay in heaps like rotting tropical fruit. Fat, drilled rims painted like Baltimore whores stood in woobly 4 foot stacks, screaming neon colors that assaulted my eyes but comforted my wallet.

I caught a glimpse of two glass cases. They had a few knicknacks in them that I thought might have belonged to a friend of mine. So some of the merch was here. Bingo? Or no go? A medium height fellow walked over, with enough confidence to sell at least 25 used cars to 25 people who liked a fellow who had enough confidence to sell 25 used cars. I didn’t want a used car. So I took his pro-offered mitt and did my digging before he could set me up with a 450 dollar Haro and a matching green brain bucket.

‘Where are the frames? The Waterfords? From Fix. The old looking bikes? One was orange and tusk, one was white and black.’ I could see already that I was drawing deuces when I was looking for aces.

‘Um maybe the other shop has them. I don’t know.’ He looked honest enough. Like the certain current president looks honest, only less so. He tried to manuevor me over towards the Haros, but I cut him off. ‘I’ve been there. Or at least, an operative of mine has been there. There’s nothing. Where are they?’ Does this creep even know what a lug is? I was guessing not. I bet there were a few other things he didn’t know too. Like what I keep close to my heart. A little down, and to the left, to be exact. I carelessly patted my Jethro Tool, close ally in good times and bad, and tried to drill holes in his eyes with mine. He feigned ignorance, telling me instead about the bath he took because of my friends. I told him he shouldn’t be bathing in other people’s tubs. He didn’t get it. I showed him the tool. It was small, palm sized, and made of forged steel. It could knock a man cold with a good swing, but it could also get my rear wheel off in a pinch, and open a cold brew. I’d like to see a roll of nickels or a blackjack do that.

I swung, but just as a I did, Sparkle Stupid dropped a fat downhill tire on me from behind, pinning my arms to my side. I could still hold onto my tool, but that was it. I couldn’t swing with it. Sparkle Stupid pulled me back against him, and lifted me with the tire. I could kick, but I couldn’t get any weight behind it. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a campy pedal wrench being used for something that might void its warrenty. Then I was out. But not before the wrench and my temple set off some fire works that I could see and hear. Sparkle Stupid’s eyes had nothing on the 1 second show I saw before everything went dark. I was down for the big sleep.

I awoke to the sound of rattlesnakes. They were near me, flying by at high speeds. Everywhere, on every side of me. There were dozens of them. I couldn’t see them yet, but by the same token, I didn’t really want to. Call me Indiana Pansy if you want, but I hate snakes like I hate discussions about table linens.

Slowly the fog lifted. It was replaced by a crippling pain. My head was detached from my body, and giants were playing kick ball with it. I reached to touch the pulp that claimed to be my temple and found that my wrists were bound. In chains. 9 speed by the feel of it. Hopefully Shimano. Of course they were Shimano. My captors wouldn’t know a good chain. It wasn’t their style. I was guessing they did my chain job in a hurry, and hadn’t used a Certified Shimano Pin to reassemble it. But right now I had snakes to worry about. Getting rid of the chains would come later. I rolled onto my side and looked for the snakes. I seemed to be in a round room. I couldn’t see the ceiling, but I figured it was there. They usually are. By round room I dont mean round like a beer can. I mean round like ball. The walls/floor were/was covered in bad tags and worse graffitti. And rattlesnakes. Only they weren’t rattlesnakes. They were angry BMX bikes with angry BMX kids on them. And it wasn’t a rattle I heard. It was ACS freewheels. An angry kid with bad hair and worse bike handling skills carved at my head full tilt and tried to bunny hop my face. He missed and landed on my hip. I twisted fast, and caught his peg with my chain. I used the peg and his forward momentum as leverage, and broke the chain that bound my wrists. The kid fell off his bike, and scrambled away. I looked around at the other kids flying by. They caught the act and turned on me. It was all I could do to grab the fallen BMX bike and attempt a get away. I pedaled hard, but they were on the down slope. They swarmed in, enveloping me in tight jeans and tighter tee shirts. The curtain came down again.

I had wet my pants. Severly. It felt good though. Wet was better than dead. When consciousness returned to my tired head, and I finally opened my eyes, I found myself in a few inches of running water. My body had been dumped in a stream. And I hadn’t wet my pants, but I was wet. I had been left for dead in a tiny forgotten stream somewhere in Avalon. But I wasn’t dead. Presumably tight jeans impair the senses. I should try that rather than spending my money on beer. I dragged myself upright and puked up Tavern pizza and two PBRs. I washed it off in the stream and promptly puked again. My puke was trying to tell me something. Probably that I hadn’t won the lottery. Thanks puke, I already knew that. I washed myself again and dragged my wet blistery feet out of the stream.

Pass.

I thumbed a ride back towards my car. I wasn’t done yet. I hadn’t found my frames. I was going to find those frames. It was day two of the search. The sun that crested over Elkridge was an angry red pore, waiting to pop. I stopped by my car and fed myself breakfast from a 60z flask I keep in my glove box for such emergencies. It doesn’t have the word ‘Surly’ engraved on it for nothing. Luckily, my glove box also held other treasures. Like a chainwhip, and, for when Prolink turned to Phil’s, a 15 inch Craftsman Adjustable. I also had a small assortment of Euro-Asia Track cogs, and not the cheap ones either. I tucked the cogs into my belt, stuffed the adjustable in my messenger bag, finished the flask, and twirled the chainwhip. I was looking for trouble.

I got to the shop before it opened and waited behind a dumpster for my friends to show up. At 20 till 9 a late model pile of plastic rolled up and two men that needed to meet my tool collection jumped out and piled into the shop. I removed the valve core of their tires and started things off the fun way. The Craftsman played with the rear view mirrors and the chainwhip ruined 25 square feet of custom paint in 12 seconds. Stupid and Owner piled out of the shop, looking at the car, and not at me. I dismissed Stupid with a flick of a 13 tooth track cog, which catches him in his lower spine, dropping him like Armstrong used to drop Ulrich.

Those were the days.

Owner man whirled on me, toolless. He didn’t like the adjustable in my right and the chainwhip in my left. I understood his issue. I felt compassionate. Like a blackwidow feels compassionate for a fly. I tossed him the chainwhip. Like a sucker, he reached for it. I moved fast, and slammed him across the kneecaps with the Craftsman. His knees gave out with the sickening crunch of breaking bones. The chainwhip dropped from his hands and he dropped to my feet. The pain turned his salesman’s face into a twisted window on a tortured man. ‘Where are the frames?’ I asked, deadpan, not even bothering to threaten him with the Craftsman. He would talk. ‘The girl’s got em…’ He panted between gulps of nothing. Pain like that doesn’t go well with even breathing.

‘Where is she and why does she have them?’

‘She skipped town, and used them to buy some time, I think.’

I moved my adjustable an inch, so it hung in front of his eyes.

‘I swear it.’

So he knew all along, but held out. Why? I couldn’t guess. He didn’t owe the dame anything. She owed him, way I saw it.

‘And you don’t know where she went?’

He just shook his head.

I pulled the Euro Asia cog out of Stupid Sparkle’s back, wiped it on his fake concert T-shirt, and tucked it back in my belt.

I would have to look elsewhere.

.

So it’s coming up soon folks. Get your excuses into the wife/husband/employer. The date is set for the 31st, and the ride is gunna be a corker. No route details yet, except to say there is going to be some climbing, loads of dirt, and maybe a stream crossing or two. Let’s go on the record here and say it’s not gunna be a ride for folks who think riding road bikes off road is a bad idea. Until further notice, lets say sub 50 miles, a big break in the middle, bring your lunch, and expect to be in the saddle for quite a few hours.  For those not in the know: Photos from past Ridelugged rides. 
Let’s say: Leave 5 east 7th street at 10Am. Meet here at 9 for coffee and donuts, if you want. Let me know though. Try to be back by 6, but you know how these rides go… As is always the case, be smart and bring: plenty of grub, water, liquor, and a blinky light.

I have a spoke card, and it might be the dopest one yet. It’s a diamond!

Holla if you think you can make it.

YAKKAY - brainwear for smart people. Bicycle Helmet, cover, Izmir, Dublin, Paris, Tokyo.

not to be confused with

I’m just still not sold on these kinds of helmets no matter how hip the models wearing them are.

D.C. Bike-Sharing Program Launches Today, First in the USA : TreeHugger

Kind of weird that it’s a company like Clear Channel that’s funding this.

Know some history and read some cool news.

Team GB Track Cyclists on the BBC

Other cool cycling links are to be had from that page.
Dig some and read.
BMX is in there!
HISTORY.
Rob

i want to hold a super strange frederick specific alley cat, followed by a skid comp and a freestyle comp.  all are welcome, even if you dont have a fixed gear.  course, i wont be racing, cause i’ll be organizing.  if you wanna race, you cant organize.  but maybe your spouse can.  we need people to man check points.  as many people as possible.  they’ll have to sit there for an hour, i bet, so they have to be the kinda folks who like a card game or hidden bottle.

so we need volunteers, and anyone who does so can get up to 50 dollars of parts at 15 percent over cost.  i think that’s a pretty good deal.   catch: you’ll have to give us money up front, cause we have none.  i mean, before we place the order.  not just in general.

we also need unique frederick city ideas of stuff to do at the check point.  rob and i have only JUST started to throw ideas around, and here are a few, some his, more mine, not because he hasnt thought about it, but because we only talked about it for a few minutes, and this is what i got.

-a ford (or small rickety boat) crossing of a nasty green part of carroll creek (away from all the noise and people and cops)

-a time trial around the dirt path at hood college

-having to purchase, and consume on camera, a tiny sample bottle of schnapps from the amber ghettos liquor store.

-something to do with boxing, at the place near giant eagle.  i dont know about this one

-something to do with a bowling alley, problly a white russian and a pinball score…

-bobbing for apples?

bonus points:  getting a romance novel out of the library

-getting a tiny tattoo

-renting porn from the porn shop.

we need ideas!  also a name!  also volunteers!  also word of mouth spreading!  also a date. i’m thinking second weekend in sept.

leave me you ideas!

so, as previously noted, i am back in frederick, and jobless. anyone who has a line on a job needing a creative wacko, holla. seriously, anyone…

in the meantime, i am building/rebuilding/tuning/fitting/advising bike related things, in co-operation with a few other folks, rob q being on of them.

for those that dont know, i was a mechanic for about 7 years, 2 as a shop manager. in that time i learned how to sell what works, not what is the hotness. i dont dabble in things i dont believe in, and i’ll guarentee what i sell. i’ve fitted countless stock bikes, dealt with a myriad of particular fit issues, been certified in the ‘fit kit’ (although my personal math usually matches the fit kit pretty closely), and have constructed dozens of bikes from the frame up. recently, i have been able to work with custom builders to fit customers of excessive height, customers with age related issues, and so on. anyway, i’m more than your average home tinkerer.

so, here’s the deal. you need parts? i can get em, at a good price, but! order anything from me, anything! (except hydro disc brakes and other nonsense) and i’ll install it for free.  that means you, not your neighbor.  i’ll give him a square deal, but installation is a bitch. honjo fenders are a two hour installation job. i’m on it. proper rack installation isnt easy. i’m on it. getting your fixie chainline dialed is annoying. get a wheel built by me, and i’ll do it. free.

now: some basic stuff. tunes are gunna be 45 bucks, not super cheap, but i am not busy, so i can devote some serious time to your program. wheels, hubs, derailers, brakes, headsets, assertaining proper tire drop for max efficency and comfort, i’ll include all that in a tune. however, if you are a ride lugged reader, 45 dollar tunes are only gunna be 30 dollars till the end of september. wheel builds will be 20 bucks, rather than 30. fittings will be free with any purchase of 50 dollars or more (this includes tunes…so a tune plus say…two tubes, gets you a free fitting).

Complete overhauls will be on special at 100 dollars. I’ll tear everything down and really clean the crap outta your bike, inspect it for rust, plug vent holes with wax, put new grease in the bearings, etc. if you have sealed hubs and headset, 15 off of that, but no more, cause i am still gunna open it up and clean out the crud.

i can get almost any part for you, more or less within a week, at a competetive price.

so, if you’re game, gimme a shot. i know alot of you need updated rigs, or more comfort, or more strength outta your limited budget. i can work with you. i’ll also pick your bike up, if you live within 10 miles of downtown frederick. let whoever know… i think this is a pretty good deal, and it puts food on my table.

so: more info @  bikefrederick.wordpress.com

cheers!