Let’s start with some defining attributes of Tri-baggery:

-Wears underarmour in public

-Thinks the best underarmour color is white, because the wind can’t see the color white, and because the best tri glasses, shoes, frames and saddles come in white.  Therefore, the only thing the wind can see is your mirror practiced race pout!

-Visits a barber named Vance 3-4 times a week.  Possibly has haircut wind tunnel tested.

-Actually likes licking his heart rate monitor before strapping it on

-Thinks a 2 tooth difference between cassettes will make or break a race

-Thinks its normal to lick a power bar and apply it to a bike frame

-Thinks velcro isn’t just for shoes, but water bottles, seat bags, and top tube lunch boxes as well.

-Doesn’t think the top tube lunch box negates everything aero on the bike ever.

Tri-bags are invariably drawn toward chintziphenalia, including but not limited to white framed sunglasses, carbon fiber anything (preferably things that are actually lighter in aluminum, like cranks, stems, and handlebars), iron man branded anything (these gloves dont feel so good, and the gel padding weighs as much as my race wheels, but ooo, they say iron man), aero anything.  Can I interest you in these aero brake pads?  How much?  Well they will shave .023 micro seconds off a 100 km run, but if you combine them with aero bolts, aero suck straws, aero chains, and aero headsets, you get a combined total of 3,200 dollars I mean .12 seconds!  How can you say no?  I’ll print an extra copy of the receipt so you can accidentally drop in front your friends post race triple skim double whip protein coffee shake and they can pretend to be ahhhhhed but really  are schemeing to outspend you for the next race.

Tri-bags act like celebrities with one fan. Themselves.  And some guy named Tom on myspace.  They expect celebrity treatment, and refuse to do any sort of work on their bikes ever, because they are too busy training.  However they will sit and watch you clean, tune and sneer at their bike for 2 hours.  They will watch you fiddle with velcro water bottles, wipe sweaty drink spit from their top tubes (triathletes droll and seep spit sporatically in a show of superior sweatitude) and never apologize for the abject bio-hazardous condition of their bikes.  They will tell you blow by blow how the lack of white carbon aero chintzaphenalia on their bike lead to their rear-ward race placement.  They will blame any thing but their own lack of fitness.  You see, if the bike bits failed to achieve proper placement, they can justify more upgrades!  White mesh skin suit?  I’ll take two.  I need one to wear to Starbucks!

Disclaimer: there are plenty of normal folks who race tri.  I just havn’t met any!  If you do not fit above descriptions, ignore where applicable.  10 bucks says no tri-bags read this blog, which is too bad.